Been a while…

Well, BFN this month after the procedure. That’s ok. We try not to get our hopes up, but pray for the best. I think a couple more months going this way we will be doing IVF like the doctor suggested. Worth a try! 🙂 I’m thinking August, maybe a little later in the year, (Doctor has left it totally up to us on when we would like to start the IVF process.) Kind of still hoping to do this most natural way. Of course Im on meds but you get what I mean. But what a great birthday present for me if we did decide to do this in August!

Other news, I’m enrolled back in college. 18 months from now I will have my degree. Totally excited about that! Over the years, things have come up to where we were just not in the position for me to go back to school, but now I can. I’ve always love school and learning so June 30th can’t come soon enough!

So, I have to get this off my chest…. baby showers.. great… but I’m certainly wondering who came up with this tradition? (I need to look this up). I personally think if you throw yourself a baby shower, you should not ask for anything. It should be a get together for a celebration of life. It is kind of presumptuous to assume, that because you are having a baby and made the choice to bring life into this world, that every one in your life needs to buy you everything you need for YOUR baby. If you have made the grown decision to have a baby, I would expect you to be able to afford this decision.

Now, if some of your friends or family decide to throw you a baby shower and ask you what you need, great! But I can tell you, after attending many baby showers, when I ask what you may need, I am assuming you have already bought some stuff you need (since most baby showers are at the 7 – 8 month point… meaning you should have the main things already). When you say you need a stroller, crib, changing table, newborn cloths (because you have none) ect. then something is seriously wrong with your situation.

If you do have a baby shower and you did not get what you want or need for your baby… you probably shouldn’t make comments on social media about how no body got YOUR baby a stroller, crib, changing table, or newborn cloths…. The essentials should be up to the parents… not the friends or family that are NOT having the baby.

I understand many soon to be parents have hardships, may lose their jobs after getting pregnant and before baby comes. This is understandable. With that being said, if you are not financially set before baby, meaning long term jobs, a savings, ect then maybe you should have thought twice before getting pregnant. Because just like you, your friends and family maybe going through financial hardships and cannot provide for YOUR baby.

 

Much Love,

MM

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It’s been a couple a weeks since I posted last. Few things good and bad have been going on. Had my HSG done – not so bad! I totally worked myself up for it and was completely nervous all the way to the hospital. Of course the hour drive did not help! It was a little painful (but I was given some pain meds before hand, no judgement required, thanks). But it turns out both tubes were in fact blocked. Right more so than my left (not so strange since my left is more dominate). My Clomid went from 50mg to 100mg this month. Got the results and everything is good! Lots of BD in the future!!

So, I don’t know how judgmental this is of me, or rude… whatever one might like to call it. But I am totally done with a 15+ year friendship. I just can’t take it anymore. It has been and always will be about her. I have tried to help so many times on so many levels. Knowing that my husband and I have been trying to have our own child, she already having one while being pregnant with another. Hate to say that is the problem, but it totally is when you’re on drugs. Then telling me through email you have to have an abortion?? Why are you even telling me this??? Oh but now your life is straight,  in what, 3 weeks or less. I don’t think so. You have gotten a job “Advising” people? Are you fucking kidding me?? AMAZING!! This so called friend hadn’t even taken an interest on what had been going on with me for years now. Only coming to me when her life went to shit. Never when it got better. Never when things were going good. Out of sight out of mind.

Anyone who wants to come at me with drug addiction is a diseases, DON’T. It was a choice at one point….. you put that needle in your arm, snorted that shit up your nose ect… Get the point.

My question is how many times would you let a friend, a supposed best friend run you over, and over and over before you would call it quits??

I don’t even care how selfish this all sounds. Maybe it is time for me to get selfish, for mine and by husbands sake.

Much Love

MM

The Busy Life – Positivity

Life has been busy. Which is great! Keeps my mind off the big issue, I suppose. Over the Easter weekend, I have managed to break my toe… not a big deal, until I hit it on everything in sight! Crazy how that happens. JG and I got things done to the home front. Cleaning up our water fall with the debris that was all over. I painted some of my planting pots, ready now to plant some veggies this week. (Will post my pots in the crafty area). Rescued a dog on the side of the road! She had a racing seat belt bolted together around her neck! People amaze me. But she loves to go jogging so I found a new jogging buddy! Pictures of her to come!

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I just started thinking about infertility today after about 4 days of not having to think about it. I must say, that was a nice break. Now I’m just worried about my procedure that’s coming up. Not nervous something will go wrong. Just my mind coming up with all kinds of things the doctor could say. Like, no use in trying anymore. I know that won’t happen it’s just a fear I am experiencing this morning.

Also, I have prepared myself for up coming pregnancy announcements… I see them coming. Some people think they are being sneaky.. but when they say “I’m craving this (enter food options) like never before” or “my pants aren’t fitting right anymore” or even “I don’t know why I’m so tired, guess I will have to ask the doctor tomorrow – attach a winking smiley face.”

Point is, I see them coming, and I am going to do my very best, not to get jealous, annoyed, irritated. I know that one day it will happen to us. I will congratulate them, but then I will turn off all their notification…. Hey, at least I won’t remove them from my friends list this time! I’m trying to grow with this whole positivity to the universe thing (At this point I am trying anything and everything). All I can say is, I’m trying. I really am.

I am also very glad that it NIAW!!

Much Love,
MM

Today Is A Great Day!!

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I feel huge changes coming into my life here soon. No I’m not pregnant, or at least I don’t think I am (fingers always crossed). I’m just having a really great day! I woke up, took my tea out on the porch this morning just to wake up. Just looked around and realized, with or with out baby (preferably with) my husband and I do have such a blessed and wonderful life.

Even thought we are going through all this and some days it does seem like it’s so far away, I cherish days I feel like this. Just when the other day I felt everything but happy. It’s just one of those days where I am unbelievably happy. I’m always in aww of my husband but I find that going through this our relationship has gotten so much closer in every way. I know it pulls some couples apart and I wouldn’t wish that on any couple. So in all today is a good day!

In case I don’t write before then, I hope everyone has a great Easter! (Pictures to come of my craftyness during the holiday weekend!)

Cheers to more like it! (Of course with my water haha)

Much Love
MM

I’m a Bitch, I’m a Lover –

This is going to be some what off topic… but that’s ok. I get to have the pleasure of waiting (with most of the eastern half of the country) another six months to see the next blood moon… Very disappointing. Had the big telescope ready to see Mars as well last night, but to no avail. I tried to wait for some clearing in the clouds and got nothing. I have no idea what time I went to sleep last night. But I do know that I’m extremely irritated today.

I can’t tell if it is a combo of meds or just from going to bed late (but I’m usually an insomniac so who knows) but I have to keep putting myself in check today lol. <— not liking this one bit! Does this happen to anyone else? Enough of the staying positive crap, seriously… With all these meds, are there days where just the mention of someone else doctor appointment so they can see their baby, while posting a countdown calender makes you want to scream, leave a comment – tell them to talk about something else, or remove them all together??

But I can say that today is the type of day that I totally should stay off Facebook. I don’t get these days too often due to meds, usually just out of my own irritation.

Much Love

MM

PS: Yes, I am absolutely referring to Alanis Morissette song….

 

Infertility Should Have SOME Awareness???!!!

I have recently taken a hiatus from Facebook. JG and I do share our Facebook strictly out of convenience. One of us would get to busy and say to the other “so and so is going to be writing me back, can you please check and let me know”. It just felt as if we both had two separate Facebook, so out of convenience we decided, “hey lets just combine”. So no, before you start thinking “trust issues” it was not that by any means. But I do love the occasional, mmm how should I state this…. occasional, assumption that it all has to do with trust. Nope in our case just convenience. So this is why I started this blog! Its hard with a shared facebook to express some things.

We all know that there are cancer awareness groups, any kind of disorder awareness groups… basically any thing can become a awareness that we all need to be alerted to.

Well, here’s my personal take on Pregnancy Awareness…. “Pregnancy Awareness?” one might ask with puzzling intruge. This is an awareness that I have become completely aware of with in the last 10 years. It is more like the pregnancy/baby is more of an accessory rather than a child they made for themselves to teach, grow, empower. I have a take on this, and not to offend all pregnant women out there, or moms, but I do have to say you all have made it painfully obvious that:

1. You have in fact become pregnant – within 24 hours there can be 10 different posts with the pee stick as a picture to announce… (don’t forget the announcement pictures you will take and post. As well as the maternity pictures and the at home photography pictures you take of yourselves daily.)

2. You in fact have doctor appointments that you always check in and out of. While you are there you are also posting word for word what the doctor is telling you while feeling so blessed.

3. You in fact let the world know how far a long you are every week, when the baby moved, when you get tired of being pregnant, everything you receive from a baby shower or two and how you hormones control your man.

4. Lastly, (Although I’m sure it’s not the last thing I can think of) you in fact inform us all of the fact that you’re at the hospital giving birth as you’re making your Facebook pages.

Then there is the I just gave birth awareness that I tend to notice all so well. What’s the “I just gave birth awareness” you ask? Well, it is this:

1. You post every picture you can from your own private birthing room. Even before the baby is wiped off. Even before you can catch your own breath you have posted all of the baby’s info. Like, how long, weight, birth time (Although we have all been glued to our screens waiting for you to posts those pictures, so I’m pretty sure I know already a round about time), ect.

2. You post every picture you take from the time you leave the hospital to the 3 year mark… including how many outfits a day, how many time they ate that day, how many diapers, how much sleep you both and baby have had, how you can’t get enough sleep. Usually after age 3 we don’t hear anything about little Johnny until its time to start school.  Then nothing after that until they have some kind of accomplishment be it sports, scholastic, or some type of performance.  Then we see a posting of Johnny going to prom with his little girlfriend and then graduation.

3. Last but not least the next status update we get is Ohhh Johnny and his new bride are married and having a baby of their own. And the cycle starts all over only you’re the grandmother now. Does Johnny and his bride do the same??

This is what I mean about Pregnancy Awareness. Everything I say is with all due respect. But my disclaimer is and always will be – If you haven’t experienced infertility, then you have no idea how it feels to read announcement after announcement with out getting jealous, angry, or even sometimes enraged! I have even gotten so enraged at teen girls getting pregnant and having TV shows. Reason being – I did everything right, I used protection in high school – I had one boyfriend through out high school – I have never been a sleep around type of girl –  I got married before trying to have kids – I  waited after 1 year of marriage, almost 2 years before I started to even try having a child. I get enraged with the mothers who kill – That is what I mean by enraged. Not that someone is on their 4th child -LOL That’s just me being jealous and anger coming in to play…..

Now lets talk about an awareness that really needs to be looked at. Infertility Awareness…. Meaning the inability to get pregnant for any given reason. With the Pregnancy Awareness every woman who in fact becomes pregnant gets congratulated by people they haven’t talked to in years (I do participate in this because yes it is a great accomplishment). But I have found myself removing people I am just acquaintances with from Facebook because they are on their 3rd, 4th, ect. Again, my jealousy and anger. But I have come to terms with that and it shall not change. I’ve tried.

But then comes the “welcome to the mommy club, it’s nothing like you have ever experience before.”, “it’s such a miracal of life, you’ll never know a love like it.”

That feeling changed when I got married. I want a child with this man. My parents say that when I was 5 I started saying I never want to get married or have children. I feel I jinxed myself. I have no one I can talk to about this situation. No one wants to listen to some one who’s going through infertility with all its ups and downs. It’s not like being pregnant and every one wanting to know the above listed points.

It’s a lonely road I share with myself and my husband. Does it make me less of a wife, not being able to get pregnant? I would hope not, so why should it make me less of a woman if I can’t get pregnant? Why does it make me less of a friend if I’m the only one of us who do not have a child? It shouldn’t, but it does. It all does.

Women in general, I find, do not have a filter when it comes to infertility. They don’t ask their friends “How is the clinic appointments going?”, “Have you guys made in strides in finding out what’s next?”

I guess my conclusion to all of this is women in general need to be more aware of the women who do have fertility issues. What if you were apart of the infertility club?? I’m pretty sure you would feel this way as well. Although, I do need to state that I do not speak for all infertile women and men/couples. But I’m going on my own 5 years of frustration and what I have perceived to be reality.

 

Much Love

MM

Our Journey TTC : PCOS

My husband (JG) and I have been together for 8 years, coming up on our 6th anniversary (Yay) and have been TTC for 5 years. So far it has been a long Journey. We really want to be parents. BUT if it doesn’t happen by 35 we will stop trying with the knowing we did all that we could do. There are many reasons for this age limit, but one being that if it doesn’t happen in this life time, it will happen in the next. We will just take the rest of our lives to focus on each other, and do everything we ever dreamed of.

With that being said, I was diagnosed with PCOS in Feb 2014. The doctor immediately put me on 2000 mg of Metaformin. No I’m not diabetic. He also put me on 50mg of Clomid. Now in May I am going to go up to 100 mg of Clomid, still on my 2000 mg of Metaformin. And I have to call the first day of my cycle to schedule a painful procedure to clear out my tubes. Which should in return keep them clear for about 8 months. My husband needs to have his men tested again to make sure the Prostasis is not chronic and was just a one time infection. So in June/July if we are not pregos we will be doing IVF.

The doctor, JG and I have talked and all decided with our time limit and the fact I am not getting any younger, this will be our plan. I feel very lucky and hopeful. But I’m sure my mood will go up and down. Thus being my main reason for this blog. I don’t want to forget anything no matter what the outcome. I’m also hoping to make some connections with other women that are going through all this as well. It’s a very emotional ride. I truly hate infertility. It’s the worst thing. It does make you feel like less of a woman. With that being said, please feel free to comment and share your own journeys.

Much Love
MM